A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews course.

A groundskeeper shouts: 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shite an pish!'

The golfer replies: 'My good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English?'

The keeper replies: 'I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!